Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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