guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
