You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
