anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
