The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
