You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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