I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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