I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
