It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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