If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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