I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
