I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
