Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
