my phone needs a breathalizer
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
