Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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