I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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