I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
