I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
