He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Also, beer. Big fan.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
