After last night, I could never be a politician.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
