It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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