My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
