I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
