If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
