Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
