There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
