My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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