If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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