I looked at my own cervix.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
