I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
