sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Randomize
