Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
