So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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