They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
