well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
