I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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