Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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