I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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