I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I met the friendliest cop last night
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize