you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
