Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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