Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
