Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
