Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
