So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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