I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
