Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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