If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
