So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
