i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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