the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
