Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
