Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
