she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize