Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
