When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
