My sheets look like a crime scene.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
