I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
