This dress was meant to end up on your floor
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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