last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
