Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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