One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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