you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
