I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
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