First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
