He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
