there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
