Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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