I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
