I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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