so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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